‘Ware the chips of gold

When I started this blog, I told myself I wasn’t going to do any entries showing off the wacky Japanese product of the week like every other blogger out there. But dear Reader, this has nothing to do with wackiness.

There is an evil product out there, and it is eyeing you as its next victim. Let the story of my tragedy be a warning to you all.

Behold.

As demonstrated by such madness as Pepsi Ice Cucumber, Japan has a penchant for importing familiar Western brands and creatively “reinventing” them for the local market. Such tripe is to be avoided at all costs… but I admit it, I was lured in by the packaging you see here, with its goldness and promise of sparkly things. Then the Doritos logo caught my eye, and who doesn’t like Doritos?

That’s when the boldface print kicked in.

It’s MANLY hard-fried.

Well, shit! I’m a man, and frying stuff till it’s hard sounds pretty interesting to me. We’re off to a good start.

In smaller print:

It’s crispy and delicious!

Not quite as bombastic, but as a consumer, I find myself increasingly drawn to this product.

Then there to the left, Yakiniku flavor.

Doritos and Korean barbecue. Not a combination I would ordinarily have thought of, but hell, I like beef, I like Doritos… It could work. I decided I must have them.

The cashier showed no signs of surprise at the excessive manliness of my Doritos, merely asked me if I wanted them in a bag or not. (It’s always nice when it’s assumed I can speak Japanese rather than I can’t.) I scoffed, however — these are MANLY Doritos, powered by meat! Put these bad boys into some wimpy-ass plastic bag, they’d probably punch their way out! No bags for me, madam.

Once outside, I immediately tore into the bag and popped a few of those thick, beefy wedges into my mouth. The ear-ringing crunch confirmed that these Doritos were indeed manly hard-fried. Unfortunately, a split second thereafter came the sentiment that led to my writing this blog entry:

What the fuck?!

Whovever designed this flavor profile should be beaten. Whatever control group tasted it should be beaten, and then beaten again for sucking up to the jackass who came up with the recipe.

My friends, the Doritos that had just violated my oral orifice were sweet.

You heard me right. Sweet beef.

As in, sweet enough to be almost caramel-like.

Still in a shock, I turned the package over to inspect the ingredients. In order of concentration:

Corn, excluding any that has been genetically modified (Yeah, thanks for that.)
Vegetable oil
Sugar

What the fuck?! What is sugar doing as the third ingredient? Prior to the powdered soy sauce, before the roasted soy sauce powder, before even — God forbid — fucking beef, we get sugar? And what’s with this weird butter aftertaste? Frito Lay of Japan, are you idiots high?!

To add insult to injury, it wasn’t until I turned the package back over that I noticed the following fine print:

“This product does not contain any beef.”

Fuckers.

(Picture stolen from Doritos’ web site. They’re lucky I didn’t hotlink to it.)

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