A man inside my mouth

Last week, I felt the need to have a man inside my mouth.

It had been a long time, easily 11 years. I’d forgotten what it was like; I can’t say I was too crazy about the sensation, however, and I certainly didn’t care for the taste.

I am, of course, talking about going to see the dentist.

For years, I’ve had a wisdom tooth that has bugged the hell out of me. I knew it was growing in at a weird angle, but I didn’t realize how weird until they took an X-ray — the fucker has been growing in sideways.

Completely sideways.

No wonder it’s been bugging me.

manPulling out a tooth cheeky enough to grow in sideways takes, as you might expect, a bit of cutting and drilling, which I can inform you is far from pleasant. But the real fun began with the discovery that I am, apparently, a bleeder — once the bleeding begins, it’s content to call it a party and just keep on going. I knew something was up when the dentist called over a colleague and the two of them began a litany of Okashii, na (“That’s strange”) and kept poking around my oral orifice. But I didn’t realize just how much blood my body was venting until I’d swallowed enough of it to bring the stuff back up.

You poor dentists with your poor, Yoda-sized sinks.

I began launching blood all over the place, arcing it clear over the sink and splattering the walls, the floor, my clothes … The place looked like a crime scene by the time I got through with it.

The best part, however, is that the extravagant blood loss caused them to sew me up before the procedure was complete; the root of the wisdom tooth remains, which means that in a couple days’ time, I get to go through this all over again.

If you thought I was a crabby guy before, dear Reader, in the past week of walking around looking like someone’s punched me in the jaw, and with the inside of said jaw bound together by string, I’ve managed, with a single glance, to make two people physically jump out of my path when they attempted to cross it.

The one positive note in all this: The cost of the anesthetics, followed by a trio of dentists cutting me, drilling me, sewing me back up and rubbing me gingerly on the back as I’m pulling my version of The Exorcist and dousing the place with blood, plus prescription meds dispensed on the spot, came to just over US $20.

Lord knows how these people are making money.

p/s – The title of this blog post is a reference to a Cure song. It’s pretty catchy.

p/p/s – On my way back from the store just now, I saw a duo of well-dressed gentlemen holding a stretcher atop which lay what was clearly a corpse covered in a blanket … and they were carrying it into a house.

This place is weird.

7 Responses

  1. My sympathies. I had one of those once (sideways-growing wisdom tooth, not a corpse on a stretcher), and opened my eyes after about 90 minutes of drilling and chopping to see the dentist’s white smock covered in an impressive spray of red droplets. Fortunately they got it out in one go, but I did have the dentist’s fingerprints recorded as bruise marks on my jaw and cheek for a few days afterwards.

  2. For some reason I thought I’d already had my wisdom teeth pulled out, but I had my jaw x-rayed last month and was surprised to see them all there on the picture. Not really looking forward to the day they start to push through.

    Re. the corspe being carried into the house: I seem to recall being told that before a funeral the body is taken home and laid in the bedroom.

  3. At least they were carrying that corpse into a house and not out of a dentist. Good luck with the second trip.

  4. If you don’t survive your next round with Dr. Blood, can I have any high-level beers left in your fridge?

  5. I shouldn’t say this, having 2 fully sideways but currently dormant wisdom teeth… Not to laugh at your misfortune, but as much as that must have sucked for you, I got a big kick out of this entry in the same way I get a kick out of Fulci movies. (Of course if I had been there in person, I probably would have been down with the sickness.)

    However, your incident involved neither spiders nor squashed eyeballs, so Fulci wins.

    Good luck with the second round. Too bad there’s no such thing as, like… localized hyper-surface-coagulants to go along with localized anesthetics, eh?

  6. “Okashi na”
    I almost fell off my chair! Hilarious
    Odaijini ne

  7. Hey, no crap. Deja vu, a year ago I went to the dentist, cause my whole goddamn jaw was sore, turns out, all 4 of my wisdom teeth were sideways.

    Anyways, I got booked into theater, they wouldnt do it while i was conscious, doctor said it was too serious.

    Well, when I woke up my face was the size of a watermelon, and I was out of commission for a week, had to chose between the pain, and a cocktail of dopey medication.

    I liked those meds. Never slept like that in my life.

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