Dear asshole

Yes, you.

I understand your aim is merely to contribute to the beautification of our apartment complex. The other residents — myself included — are no doubt quite appreciative of your efforts.

However.

Is it really necessary to get up and start sweeping the living fuck out of everything in sight at 5:45 am? To sweep as if Satan himself had a pitchfork to your backside, letting up at odd intervals to fool us into thinking you’ve finally finished, then suddenly jabbing you in the posterior to get you to start back up again?

Put simply, would it fucking kill you to wait to get your sweeping fetish on until a decent hour?

I’m fairly certain it wouldn’t.

But a pissed-off foreigner very well may.

Signed,

A pissed-off foreigner

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10 Responses

  1. In Austin they were building the Taj Mahal right outside of my house, which was bad enough, but made worse by the fact that apparently the only suitable times to use the jackhammer (and other assorted kill-me-now machinery) were between the hours of 4am and 9am.

    I think construction workers and cleaning people types are more passive aggressive than we give them credit for.

  2. Apartment below but to the side is being “reformed” (aka renovated), a process which seems to involve industrial grade power tools. Fortunately they don’t start to the relatively civilised hour of 8:30am. Means it’s worth my while going out a bit earlier, and as an additional bonus increased the chances I’m able to put the trash out on time, rather than sneak over to the next subdivision of the 町 who are on a slightly later schedule.

  3. If you had a battle axe, you could go out and menace him with it. You’d be a more immediate threat than the head devils that drive him to sweeping hysteria.

  4. The thing is, I don’t want just any battleaxe — I want THAT battleaxe!

  5. My psychotic neighbors have in the past started raking their back patio at 12 or 1 am. You know that loud screeching rake sound over a hard surface. People like that are insane.

  6. How about the cacophony of futons being struck repeatedly throughout the morning early on Sundays? There are very few times in life in which I wish for God to kill people…

    Sundays are “God, please kill the obasans” days.

  7. I think you have just a little too much stress going on, or it wouldn’t bother you.

    I, on the other hand, am woken up every night around 3:00 AM by my weird downstairs neighbor playing really eerie sounding music, possibly on a video game?

    -AF

  8. i’ll get to delivering your letter right away sir :D

  9. My neighbors used to chat at 4-5am on trash pick-up day like they were at a party talking over music.

    Last July I went out there in my underwear pissed off and hung-over. I started freaking out and it has not happened again. 4 years ago I had a neighbor who walked his dog and didn’t pick-up it’s crap. So I did and smeared it all over his front steps.

    Another problem that no longer occurs.

    Be an asshole to assholes…..it’s the only language they really understand ;)

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