Patient Zero

It has not been a good week for me, dear Reader.
I have been, frankly, sick as hell — to the point I’ve lost about a pound of body weight a day for the past four days due to not being able to keep any food down. Today’s pukefest was the straw that broke the dromedary’s [...]

Really, REALLY juvenile ways of employing new technology

Inbetween doing a bit of overtime, drinking too much and watching a couple Tony Jaa movies this past weekend, I decided to try out the recently launched “computational knowledge engine” WolframAlpha and see what it was all about.
Predictably, it didn’t take long for me to sink down to the level of a 14-year old. [...]

Novel ways of fighting organized crime

I passed by this poster in the station for a week or so before taking a good look at what it had to say … and then I was pulling out my cell phone and snapping a photo.
It’s a poster released by the Tokyo Metropolitan Police concerning 暴力団 (boryokudan), or the organized crime syndicate. It [...]

Chotto…

Sunlight. Birds twittering excitedly.
The muffled sound of the occasional car passing below.
Sunlight?
“Shit! Shit!”
I spring out of bed, flip open the cell phone that doubles as my alarm clock.
Why didn’t my alarm go off?!
I look at the time as it’s displayed on the phone’s digital readout: 4:27.
Four-fucking-twenty-seven am.
Hey Japan — You might want to think [...]

Awesome.

Having gotten such a kick last week out of the weirdness that is your coworker Mr. Balls, you’ve found yourself listening in to his conversations to see if he has any other interesting anecdotes. Or updates regarding the state of his genitalia.
Unfortunately, neither have been forthcoming.
What has been forthcoming, however, is Mr. Balls’ rather annoying [...]

Identity theft, redux

You are walking down the street drinking a beer.
There is nothing unusual about this: Since having become unemployed, it’s been pretty much a given that if you are walking down the street — hell, if you are engaged in any ambulatory act whatsoever — you will be drinking a beer. Today’s beer is a sweet, [...]

Coffee prick

I’m an ornery person, dear Reader. This will come as no surprise if you’ve spent any time glancing over my profanity-infused writings. And perhaps because of this goddamn cold that won’t go away, or the fact that I was tossing back a Theraflu and vodka at 3:00 this morning while watching episode 2 of The [...]

I won the Irish lottery!

Stop the friggin’ presses, I’ve won the lottery.
That’s what this latest e-mail in my inbox tells me, at least. So it must be true.
IRISH GOVERNMENT ACCREDITED LICENSED
IRISH WEB LOTTERY/C IS REGISTERED
UNDER THE DATA PROTECTION ACT OF
See? It’s accredited and licensed. And registered under the data protection act of … well, it sort of trails [...]

Mr. Mouth-breather

Tokyo is home to any number of web-footed, mouth-breathing demi-humans, but there is only one Mr. Mouth-breather.
You will know him by his location. He has chosen to haunt the train lines of West Tokyo.
You will know him by his appearance. He wears boxy glasses and looks exactly like George Takei circa 10 years ago.
And you [...]

Idiots of the workplace

Like pilot fish clustering around a shark (an apparently quite deranged shark), Japan’s business districts tend to attract a few distinct, rather bizarre types of worker that are plentiful enough to be seen on a daily basis.
And predictably, I take issue with them all.

The Outdoor Napper
I understand you’ve had a rough first half of [...]